Wearing my scars as if they were wings

It’s summer time in Texas which means it’s hot. Like stupid hot. And when it’s stupid hot, somedays I decide to wear dresses, because they are cooler than slacks and a jacket.

Today was one of those days.

But when I went to put on a dress this morning, I hesitated because I remembered that my right knee is still skinned up from a wipeout last week on an electric scooter in Austin. And so I almost put on pants instead.

But I didn’t.

I went with the dress.

Because it reminds me of past injuries. Both the physical wound on my knee, and the emotional and mental scars I carry on my heart which kept me from wearing dresses to work for many, many years.

It’s only been in the past 15 months that I have had the courage to reclaim the power I gave away which kept me from wearing those dresses. That I had the courage to reclaim feminine dress not as a sign of weakness but as a sign of strength. That I had the confidence and the self-worth to recognize that the only person I need to dress for and care who has an opinion about what I choose to wear is myself.

So yes, wearing a dress reminds me of those scars.

But it reminds me that those scars represent a wound that has healed and that doesn’t cause me pain anymore. It reminds me of the strength I carry within myself that no person has the power to take from me.

The wound on my knee, that will become a scar in time, that’s a different story. It is a badge of courage. It is a sign of freedom. It is a claim to the carefree part of my spirit that has been buried for most of my life and is only now, at age 51, starting to come to the surface from time to time.

Because of childhood trauma and the death of my father at such a young age, I never really experienced what it was to be a carefree child. I was always very serious, very focused, and very determined to achieve goals, please others, and generally keep as much in the shadows as I was able.

Those personality traits don’t lead to the carefree play often enjoyed by children. I’ve often wished that I could go back to a time when I was carefree, without realizing until very recently that I actually never was.

When I realized that, I decided I could grieve over what never was, or I could start from now to reclaim what I missed out on.

The freedom of being silly.

The gift of being carefree.

The act of doing something for fun, for no other purpose than just having fun.

And so, with that attitude in mind, when I was in Austin this past week with Clayton and some dear friends, and on the way to dinner we came across electric scooters for rent in downtown, and the idea came up of renting them for the rest of the trip to the restaurant, I said yes. Prior to the week before, at any time that opportunity would have arisen, I would have said no. I’m too clumsy. It’s too dangerous. I’m too scared. It’s just not a good idea. But on this recent night, with the realization that I could either start to intentionally learn to be frivolous, or I could spend my time regretting never knowing that feeling, I decided to go for it.

About halfway through the ride, someone stopped in front me and, not being familiar with the brakes, I wiped out, landing partly on top of them, partly on top of the scooter, and partly on the ground. I twisted my ankle, skinned up my knee, and bruised my upper thigh. I wasn’t sure for the rest of the evening how easily I was going to be able to walk the next day. While my walking was just fine, I experienced the effects of soreness for several days after.

And each time I felt the tenderness in my ankle or my thigh, or saw the skinned places on my knee, I smiled.

Because they reminded me of the time that I was brave enough to be free.

That time that I conquered my demons.

That time that I wore my scars as if they were wings.

Remembering what’s important

Back in June, the criminal case accompanying one of my CPS cases was heard before a jury. The jury convicted the mother of a first degree injury to a child charge after hearing evidence of the starvation death of a two month old baby. 

The testimony included that of a pediatrician, an experienced and seasoned medical professional, who choked up when describing the painful manner in which this baby boy died, gasping for his last breaths, so depleted of nutrition that his poor little body barely had the energy to struggle to inflate his lungs. 

The mental image was horrific.

The verdict came on the same day that sentencing began on the criminal part of another one of my cases involving the starvation death of a 12 year old. It was an incredibly rough week.

The sentencing for the baby’s starvation death was today. It’s been on my calendar for the past two months, but within the last week, I had another court hearing get scheduled which meant I was only able to watch a little of the sentencing before I had to leave to go to a different court to take care of my own case.

By the time I finished with the case I was responsible for, my fellow ADA was wrapping up her closing argument and the only thing I was able to see was the judge pronouncing sentence of 60 years in prison.

I wasn’t happy because I had to miss the court hearing I really wanted to watch.

I have had three really bad CPS cases over the past year and half that their accompanying criminal cases have wrapped up in the past 2 months. This one, with the starvation death of a 2 month old, the one earlier this summer involving the starvation death of a 12 year old, and one last week involving a two month old with two traumatic brain injuries and multiple broken ribs inflicted by her father while under the influence of methamphetamines.

I have seen parents sentenced to 50 and 45 years for the death of the 12 year old, 30 years for the injuries to the 2 month old, and I really wanted to see the criminal part of this last case wrap up, in part so that I could formulate my own strategy moving forward, but mostly so that I could try to get some emotional closure on what has been a difficult few months for me.

But I missed it because I had to deal with a new case.

Another new case.

Because they just keep coming.

The new case that I had to deal with today isn’t one that has the same gut wrenching heartbreak of the starved or broken children. But as I walked out of the courtroom and realized how much time had been spent on it, when I was really wanting to be somewhere else, and realized how frustrated I was that I had to deal with it, causing me to miss the case down the hallway, I realized something even more important. 

This new case deserves my attention just as much as the other one. 

Because while there won’t be any accompanying criminal case, or any media coverage, the children in this new case are experiencing trauma and loss and grief all their own.

And they deserve my full attention.

And so do the ones coming up next. And all the ones after that. They all deserve all I have to give. Not because I need some sense of relief or closure or justice. 

But because they do. 

Through that gift

This screenshot showed up on my Timehop today, from a book I began reading on this day one year ago.

I took a screenshot at the time because the truth is, I have often wondered, why me, God? Why did you give me these amazing children but give each of them a road to walk that would be so hard? Aaron with his medical issues and Clayton with his sexuality. Couldn’t they just be typical, God?

I took the screenshot at the time to remind myself that God gave Clayton to me because I’m exactly who Clayton needed as a mother.

What I have learned in the year since is that Clayton is exactly who I needed as a son.

What I have learned in the year since is that Clayton being gay isn’t a burden, but a gift.

Through that gift, I have learned the true meaning of love and acceptance. I have learned the true value of not only affirming a person’s identity, but celebrating it.

Through that gift, I have come to know so many amazing, giving, loving and supportive people who I might never have otherwise had the chance to encounter.

Through that gift, I have learned the many ways that the church can love people outside the normal constraints of the church building. I have also learned the many ways that the church has wounded and harmed, and have been given a heart and a call to heal those wounds, repair that harm, and work to find a better way forward.

Through that gift, I have gained the courage and the boldness to speak up and to speak out even when what I have to say may make people uncomfortable.

Through that gift, I have learned to encourage my son to be exactly who God made him to be without shame or embarrassment or apology.

Through that gift, I have learned to encourage myself to be the same.  

I am grateful that God chose to give me a loved one who is gay. It has caused my mind to broaden, my heart to open, and my understanding of God’s love to deepen.

And that is a gift beyond all measure.

Sunscreen and chapstick

There have been a lot of hard parts of parenting.


That difficult first year filled with sleepless nights and days filled with crying babies, messy houses, limited showers, and way too many bodily fluids.


The terrible twos which lead to the tumultuous threes and the fearful fours.


Elementary school years with the frustrations of learning to read, do basic math, and navigate the mean kids at recess.


Middle school. Really, do I need to say more there?


And the high school years filled with teenage angst, betrayal of friends, love interests that didn’t work out, the stress of increasingly difficult classes, college applications, learning to drive, and learning to let them make decisions, and mistakes, on their own.


And yet as hard as those years were in so many ways, this part of parenting, the part where you have to let go? In many ways it’s been the hardest parenting season of all.  


And at the same time, it’s been the most rewarding.


As we count down the days to Aaron going back to Rice for his second year, all of my feelings are more pronounced. I am so excited to see what this next year brings. The maturity that he will gain, the things that he will learn, the friends that he will make, the experiences that he will have.


He had an amazing freshman year and in so many ways he surprised us at how much he grew and developed socially. He learned an entirely new infusion protocol, and when he had difficulty with self-administration, he had the courage to ask his friends for help. He had some difficult times that we didn’t find out about until late in the process, but as sad as I am that he navigated that difficulty alone, I was so proud to see that he took all the steps I would have advised him to have taken. He surrounded himself with the support that he needed, and the people that he needed, and the advice he needed, and he made the right decisions in the right way for the right reasons.


It’s a little humbling when you realize that your child can do hard things without you. But isn’t that exactly what we raise them for and precisely what we want for them?


As we prepare to send Aaron back to school this second year, the grief is lessened and the tears fewer than this time last year. While I still worry, I know that he will be okay. He’s proven that over this past year. While I will miss him, I know that his life is in Houston now, and I’m grateful for the time we’ve had together these past months.


As I prepare to send Aaron off to school again, I can’t help but think of my friends who are navigating this road for the first time.


I have spent the last few months watching the emotions of many of them as they get ready to send their babies off to school for the first time and my heart is full for them, because I know so many of the things that are in their hearts and on their minds.


And so my words of advice are these: it’s going to be okay mom and dad. You’re going to be sad and that’s okay. Sometimes your babies are going to be sad and they are going to be lonely and that’s okay. They are going to get stressed, and get sick, and not take care of themselves the way they should and that’s okay. They aren’t going to eat right and they aren’t going to sleep enough and that’s okay. They are going to cry at times and you are too and that’s okay.


This is part of their hero’s journey. And as much as you want to run behind them with that sunscreen and that lip balm, you can’t. And you shouldn’t. Sometimes their skin has to burn and their lips have to get chapped so that they learn to protect themselves the way they should. And that’s okay.

They are going to be okay.


And so are you.


Whether it feels that way right now or not.


You have to release them.


It’s disrespectful not to.

What I need to know

We finished today a study in our small group class over World Religions. It’s a study that was supposed to take 6 weeks, but as usually happens in our small group, took about 3 times as long. This isn’t the first time that a study has taken longer than anticipated.

It’s a side effect of the make up of our group. Because we are a group of people with a bit more wisdom (i.e., mostly middle aged). Because we are a group of people who have lots of insight and wisdom to impart (i.e., opinionated and vocal about it). We call ourselves Real People because, well, we are. Very real people. It was also the least profane and most appropriate of the names we came up with. Because we are a group of people who love Jesus and love each other, but are highly irreverent most of the time. I love connecting with these people and growing in faith alongside them.

To wrap up the study, in which we have to this point studied Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, and Judaism, the last world religion we spoke about today was that of Christianity.

In the discussion, the question was posed “Other than being born into a Christian family, why am I a Christian?” I really had to think about that answer for a little while to come up with the answer I wanted. 

Why am I a Christian?

I mean the immediate and easy answer is “Because Jesus.” Duh. 

But why? Why Jesus? What is it about Jesus that makes me want to be a Christian? After thinking a bit, I answered and said that what makes me want to be a Christian is that Jesus, in the way that he lived and in the way that he loved, was everything that I want to be as a person.

To love the unloveable. To empower the powerless. To see the value in those deemed without value by society or religion.

And as I thought of that concept, and as we talked about how so many people are turned off from Christianity because of Christians and the way that they act, and whether if Jesus came back today he would be satisfied with or disappointed in the Christian church, I realized that the power we have as Christians can certainly be to do good. But even more so, the power that we have as Christians can be to do harm to people that may never be repaired.

We can use our Christian faith as an open hand or as a closed fist.

We can use our Christian faith to pull people in or push them away.

We can use our Christian faith to heal or to cause further harm.

As for me, my Christian faith tells me I should love. 

Everyone.  

Every. One. 

Not those who have a certain gender identity, sexual orientation, ethnicity, skin color, or religion. 

Every. One. 

Not because I deem them worthy. But because God does.

Every. One.  

Each. One.

As God loves them.

As God loves me. 

In all my shortcomings and in all my failings. With my tendency to cuss too much, be too impatient, and want too much from others.

As someone said in class today, the more I know, the more I realize how little I know. He was very right, as I am discovering, the longer I walk this faith journey. But along with that, what I have learned is this…

The more I know, the more I realize that it’s okay that there is much I don’t know. 

The more I know, the more I realize how little I actually need to know.

What I actually need to know is quite simple.

Love God.

Love one another.

Everyone.

Every. One.

Each. One.

With Open Hand.

With Open Heart.

With Open Mind.

Love the unloveable. Empower the powerless. See the value in those deemed without value by society or religion.

Love as Jesus would love.

That’s really all that I need to know.

Infusion of Grace

A couple of weeks ago, I went for dinner and drinks with a dear friend to a restaurant known for their craft cocktails. I had this yummy drink with peach infused rum, and because I am who I am, I immediately starting figuring out how I could recreate the drink at home. First step in that process was, of course, making peach infused rum.

So, on the way home from our cruise this past Saturday, we stopped at a peach farm and I bought a bag of fresh peaches. I got on Pinterest, to read about the best way to infuse rum, and on Sunday, started the process for doing so.

Peeling the peaches, I couldn’t help but remember the time that I was in college when my aunt Valda and I, two of the least domestic women in the world at the time, decided to can peaches growing on my Granny’s peach trees. The problems were many. The peaches were way overripe, and we had no clue what we were doing, so both of us ended up with peach juice literally dripping off our elbows and all over our clothes. But being the driven and goal oriented women we were, you can also read that as stubborn, we persisted. Finally we finished the job, and it is still literally one of my favorite memories of time spent with Valda.

But anyway, I digress. Shocking, I know.

Anyway, I followed the process to begin the infusion process, using 10 of the peaches I had purchased. These peaches weren’t cheap. So in the last couple of days, being the frugal, cough cough cheapskate, person that I am, I’ve been thinking about how I could utilize the used peaches once the infusion process is finished, rather than just throwing them away. I’ve considered using them to make peach simple syrup. I’ve thought of freezing them and using them to make peach daiquiris. A friend suggested I make drunken peach cobbler, which led to a consideration of making peach rum bread pudding.

The question is how the infusion of the rum will change the character of the peaches and the subsequent flavor they bring to the finished product, and whether if I use them in something other than daiquiris, whether the cooking process will cook any infused alcohol out of the peaches. It seems like that might be an important thing to know, depending on who I might feed the food to…

In the process of considering how the peaches might best be used, taking into consideration how their character has been changed by sitting in rum for 5 days, I started thinking about how the effect of the rum on these farm fresh peaches isn’t all that different than the effect of trauma is on people.

With the peach, what you start out with is something that is fresh, its natural state unaffected by any outside influences, spices, pesticides. When you add the rum, you change the character of the peach, and figuring out how to use what’s left after the infusion requires you to consider several things. In considering using the peaches in baking, you have to consider whether you can cook the alcohol out enough so that the peaches in their altered state are appropriate for making something you’re going to give to children. You have to consider whether the rum will have changed the flavor of the peach to the extent it will affect your recipe in a negative way, or whether it might add a deeper layer of flavor than what you would have with fresh peaches. In considering using them in simple syrup for cocktails or in peach daiquiris, you have to consider whether or not the added alcohol is going to affect the end taste of your beverage. So many things to think about that you wouldn’t have to consider if the peach had gotten to the end of its life without anyone doing things to it that caused such a material change in the character of what it started out as.

That’s kind of what trauma does to people.

Trauma comes in many forms. It can come from physical abuse or neglect, sexual or emotional abuse, bullying, death of a loved one, serious illness, or loss. Few of us get to the end of our lives without having been infused at some point with some sort of trauma that, like with the rum and the peaches, alters who we end up becoming. It doesn’t make us less useful, it just makes us different. It doesn’t mean we have to be thrown away, it just means we have to consider how the effect of that infusion of trauma might need to be considered in our interactions with other people. Our inclusion as an ingredient in a recipe, if you will. It may be that the effect of our trauma means we might not be best fitted in a situation that we might’ve fit without that infusion. It may be that the infusion of trauma makes us stronger in ways than we would’ve been, and that at times that added strength might be enough to overwhelm an already delicately balanced recipe. But that infusion also may add a layer of complexity and richness to our lives and to our character that is an unexpected and added bonus to the people that we come into contact with, and in the cake of life we choose to be a part of.

Spending time figuring out the best use for the rum infused peaches has been a fun diversion in what has been a stressful work week. But as fun as that has been, it doesn’t come close to the adventure of figuring out how the person I am now, with all my discoloration, or changed texture, or deepened flavors, can be used for the glory of the God who made me. The God who has loved me every step of the way, through the process of those changes. The God who, even when I thought I was too damaged and altered to do the work set out for me, never once considered the fact that I might should just be thrown away. The God who uses all things to make me into who I was meant to be to do the work that God would have me do.

And that, my friends, is the greatest recipe adventure of all.

Promises in the sky

Today was my first day back to work after a week off for doctor visits and vacation. It’s rare for me to take an entire week off where I truly disconnect from work, from email, from checking in, from staffing cases. This was one of those rare times where I for the most part did that, at least for a few days. But the truth is, the escape from work was interrupted on Tuesday afternoon, right before our ship left the port, by news of a decision made on the difficult trial I was involved in earlier this month. The ruling that was made wasn’t one that I had hoped for, or one that I agreed with, and is one that I worried a great deal about, and for quite a while after finding out the result, it was all I could do to hold it together instead of falling apart in front of my kids.

As hard as I tried to set down my worry and my angst, it kept coming back to me the rest of that afternoon and evening.

And then the following morning, as I stepped out on the balcony of our room with my coffee, I saw the brightest of the rainbows pictured here. And I soon realized it was not one rainbow but two. As I looked at the rainbows before me, I remembered God’s promise to Noah. 

And I remembered the moments spent at the beginning of one of the difficult days of the trial. Moments holding hands with my caseworker, tears streaming from both our eyes, my voice choked with tears as I prayed to God the following words: “Gracious God, you know our hearts, and you know the needs of these children. And God, we know that as much as we love these children, you love them that much more. And that as you hold us today, you hold them as well.” 

And seeing the rainbows before me, one for each of these precious babies, I knew without doubt that while I did not understand the decisions made for these children, that God had a plan for their lives bigger than any that any of us who care for them could ever imagine. And knowing that could allow me to let go of my fear and my worry and my questions of what I could have done better or differently.

I know that regardless of the outcome of the trial, God holds these precious children and God holds each of us. Each and every day. Even on those days where we think we are all alone. And some days, when we really need it, God sends a reminder of that promise. Made to us again, each and every morning. 

Why I Speak

I sat in a room in a church building the week before last with 22 other adults, both queer and allies, and marveled that in just six months, a group that started out with 8 of us making plans of how to form what is essentially a grown up version of a gay straight alliance has grown to be a group that has touched so many, has formed so many close and supportive relationships, has formed an incredible support group for our youth queer and allies, and is becoming the training ground for at least one if not two groups like it in other geographical areas.

We talked about our upcoming Ally training, the second we will host in just six months time. We talked about how we can serve as allies for each other, wherever we may be on the gender and sexuality spectrum. 

We talked about the struggles and questions and joys that we are experiencing in our lives, and for those of us who are parents of queer children, in the lives of our children.

I listened as queer adult after queer adult spoke of how even now some of their parents don’t fully support them. Of how grateful they were that they didn’t come out to their families as teenagers because they would have never gotten the support they needed at the time in life when they needed it the most. I wanted to mother and love every one of those adults in the way that they deserved to be mothered and loved, no matter their age or stage of life.

I sat there in absolute gratitude that I am part of a church that not only supports these amazing people but supports me in supporting my child.

I spent time this past Saturday night with a group of queer youth and adults and their ally families and friends as we ate together, swam together, laughed together, and loved one another, and spoke of things that most adults are hesitant to speak about with teenagers but which most teenagers so desperately need to know, but don’t have safe adults whom they can ask.

There are times that I wonder if I am too vocal in my support of LGBTQ+ rights. Times that I worry I may make people uncomfortable in my beliefs. I know for certain that I have made people question what they have always believed about God because what I believe and speak out about is so different than what they grew up believing. I pray that my beliefs never drive someone away from God but rather lead people to question for themselves who God is, and in that questioning, draw closer to the God who made them and loves them and is their biggest fan in this life.  

There are times I wonder if, as I continue to write and vocalize my strong beliefs, I will lose friends who do not agree with those beliefs, and as sad as that possibility makes me, I recognize that if I do, I do. That I must continue to speak my truth and accept that some friendships last for a season, and some for a lifetime, and it may be that sometimes people have to leave our lives to make room for new ones who need to come in.

Whenever I question whether I am making the right choice in my decision to be so vocal in my support of my queer child, I look at that queer child and I marvel at how confident he is in who he is, in how deeply he is loved, and in how perfectly created he was by God in all of who he is. And how that confidence allows him to love others so deeply, whether they support who he is or not.

Whenever I question whether I am making the right choice in my decision to be so vocal in my support of my queer friends, I look at those queer friends and I marvel at all that I have learned from them over these past months about love, commitment, forgiveness, and grace. And I am so very grateful to have each and every one of them in my life because they have made it so much richer just by being who God made them to be.

There is much I do not know about God. Much I will never know until I am at last standing face to face in God’s presence. But what I do know is this. God’s greatest commandments were to love God and to love each other. And if I make people uncomfortable in my pursuit of being obedient to those commandments, then I will gladly stand before God on my judgment day and answer to those actions. Because I believe the Jesus I know will be standing right beside me saying, “me too.”

Finding the gold

Typically when I have something in my head that I need to write, I am able to sit down at my computer and the words flow through my fingers and over the keyboard like water.

Some days the flow is like the deluge of rain from a sudden summer storm.

At other times it’s like light sprinkles that take time to turn into a steady rain.

Over this past week, the words have rested in my head and in my heart like in a dark storm cloud on the horizon, heavy with meaning and threatening in intensity, yet slow to release the cleansing flood that washes away the dust and releases the pressure that has been building up in the atmosphere.

So many thoughts and feelings have swirled through my head and settled uneasily into my heart over the past two weeks. Some I want to dwell on and revisit, some I want to leave without making their indelible impression upon my soul.

I’ve sat at my computer on more than one occasion to try to put the thoughts and feelings into words, as a way of processing what they mean, and, through saying them aloud, remove the power they hold over me. Each time, I have given up, in weariness and frustration. In sadness of being unable to do what usually comes so easily to me. To paint a picture with words of what dwells in my heart and in my mind.

Finally, last night, I saw this photo posted by a sweet co-worker who lived alongside me last week the experience that leaves me with so many of the feelings that trouble my soul. Feelings of frustration and anger. Feelings of injustice and aggravation. Feelings of being misunderstood and mistreated. Feelings of fear and apprehension about decisions made out of our control, and despite our best efforts, and our hardest and most heartfelt work.

What I felt last week, over the weekend, and this week has had a lot to do with hate and very little to do with love. Hate for the things that drugs do to people and the things it makes them do to others. Hate directed toward me for the stance I took and the steps I took to protect that stance. Hate directed at me because of the color of my skin, deriving from a hate developed from having received it too many times because of the color of theirs. Hate of a world where babies are broken beyond repair by parents rendered impatient and enraged by the effect of drugs and parental influence. Hate of a world where pre-teen boys are starved and left to die alone by parents too preoccupied with their own needs and desires and self-imposed obligations to worry about the needs of their special need child. Hate of a world where two loving friends cannot dance together in public because it isn’t safe to do so because of people’s closed minds and closed hearts.

But through it all, I keep playing back a conversation between my pastor and a colleague, told by her to a group of 23 people, not long ago strangers, bound together by a common desire to love and support one another in who God made them to be. She told of a visit to an elderly church member who, as they left, told them she loved them. Of the teary response of the colleague who questioned, “How can she love me when she just met me?” And the response of my pastor of “That’s how we do church.”

And in response to all the hate of the past 2 weeks, I strive to do church in that way. Each and every day. Inside those church walls and out.

To love those that I have just met.

To love those who choose to hate.

To love those who might not live the way I do, look the way I do, or love the way that I do.

To pour that love out onto the world like a drenching rain onto a parched and cracked earth.

And to find the gold instead of the dirt.