The book was How
to Think Theologically and the passage was as follows: “How we understand
our conditions as humans – not only our strengths and our preciousness to God,
but also our limits and our opposition to God – is an important part of how we reflect
theologically on the circumstances and events of our lives.” It’s a relatively
innocuous sentence, with a great deal of truth, so why did it make me so
uncomfortable? It took me a little while
to realize that it was the word preciousness. I have only slight difficulty
naming my strengths, no difficulty naming my limits, and very little difficulty
naming my opposition. But naming my preciousness. Oh, that’s a whole different story.
In adding things to my “I Am” list that has been my
homework for this week, I am supposed to be following up the I am statements
with statements like “I might be precious.”
Sometimes that statement is easier to write than
other times. There are times it’s all I can do to say I might be. There are
other times that I can say I am precious and I can almost believe it.
Partly because the word is at the forefront of my
mind so much these past few days, partly because that’s just how God seems to
work, I’ve been noticing the word precious everywhere. As I was listening to a
podcast this morning on my way to work, one of the speakers made a statement that
there is one word that will set you free. The word is different for each
person.
I’ve seen many people post in the past two weeks
since New Year’s about their word of the year. I’ve wondered about that
concept, but hadn’t really put much thought into it until now. But as I thought
about what the speaker said, and thought about the concept of leaning into one
very meaningful word for the next year, I wondered if the word precious was
that for me. Or was at least a start. Because for me, the word precious is
related to the word cherished, which is a word I have been struggling with
mightily over these past 9 months. Cherished is a word which has so many layers
of difficulty for me that I’m not sure one year is enough time to work my way
through that. So I decided I should probably focus more on the word precious and
set aside the concept of cherish, at least for now. But to make sure that
precious was really the word I needed to focus on, I decided to look it up and
see what the actual definition was, rather than just my personal understanding.
Here’s what I found. The Oxford Dictionary definition
of the word precious is “of
great value; not to be wasted or treated carelessly.”
Well that struck a
nerve. More than one actually. We’ve already established that recognizing my
value is an issue for me. And there it is, named. Not just value, but great value. Okay, so I’m
going to have to sit with that one for a while. But I can do that.
But that next part:
“not to be wasted or treated carelessly.” Oh. That literally took my breath for
a moment. Sometimes words have the ability to bring up thoughts and memories
that serve to rip off scabs from wounds you thought were healed. The words “treated
carelessly” did that for me. Another of those moments where you feel you’re
standing totally naked in a room full of judgmental strangers. Exposed for
everyone to see. I’ve felt that feeling many times over the past 9 months. That’s
what it’s like when you start tearing those walls down and exposing the dark to
light. Healing isn’t a comfortable or easy process. You have to expose the hurt
and the shame before you can discard them.
So I sat a minute
with those feelings of shame and those feelings of hurt. And I leaned into
those feelings until I got to the problem that has been plaguing me since I
named it a few days ago. The fact that the reason I have a hard time with the word
cherish is because the relationships in my life that were the most hurtful and the
most damaging, relationships both involuntary and voluntary, were the ones
where I felt the most cherished. So much for setting that word aside. I
realized that as precious didn’t have exactly the definition I had thought, maybe
the way that I was defining cherish was off as well. So I looked it up also.
Here’s what I found.
The Oxford
Dictionary definition of the word cherish is “protect and care for (someone)
lovingly.”
Precious
Cherished
The words are
interrelated for sure, at least for me.
You cherish those
things that you find to be precious.
Using the definitions
of the words more specifically, you protect and lovingly care for those persons
that you value greatly and who you dare not treat carelessly.
That’s not at all
what I experienced in those relationships in which I thought I had felt
cherished. That was part of the lie. That I was precious. That I was cherished.
But by their very actions, by the very way they treated me, carelessly, without
value, without love, in selfishness, they showed me that I was not precious and
I was not cherished. Although that is what they led me to think they were doing
and that’s what I was feeling. Well, no wonder those concepts cause me so much
angst and confusion. No wonder I can’t allow myself to feel that, even in
relation to Creator God. No wonder.
So this year I will
embrace two words.
Precious
Cherished
And I will spend
the next year trying to learn what they really mean. And what they really feel
like. In a way that is healthy. In a way that is authentic. In a way that is
life affirming. In a way that is not twisted and manipulated by selfish and
hurtful motivations. Honestly, I think this is a lesson that will continue not
just this year but for the rest of my life.
One day, I hope to
be able to say, without hesitation, I am precious. I am cherished. I am a
person of great value and I am not to be wasted or treated carelessly. By
anyone. Including myself. I am worthy of being cared for and protected
lovingly.
Because I am a beloved
child of Creator God.
Fearfully and wonderfully
made.
With a purpose.
For a purpose.
One day I hope to
believe it.
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