One of the speakers yesterday at the conference I am attending spoke about his personal history of child sexual abuse. He said that his reason for sharing wasn’t so that people would tell him how courageous he was but so that prosecutors would understand the perspective of the victims. So that they would understand why the child never reported the abuse. So they would understand the guilt and shame the child would feel.
And he made a comment that shook me to the core. He said, “I’ve been trying to slay this dragon my whole life.” Trying not to cry in the middle of a room of hundreds of prosecutors wasn’t the greatest part of my day.
You see, I too have been trying to slay this dragon my whole life.
I don’t share this because I’m looking for sympathy. Or because I want to hear how courageous I am. I share this because the statistics on child sexual abuse are staggering. 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys will be the victim of child sexual abuse. I share this because chances are at least one of you reading this has been a victim yourself. I share this so that you know you are not alone.
I have been trying to slay this dragon my whole life.
It affected how I viewed myself. How I view myself even now. It affected how I valued myself. It affects how I value myself even now.
It has influenced and colored every relationship I have ever had. It has influenced most every relationship decision I have ever made. It is a large part of the reason I do not like to be touched. It is probably why I do the work I do.
I have been trying to slay this dragon my whole life
Adult victims of childhood sexual abuse may know in their heads that the abuse was not their fault. But what they think in their heart, what they feel in the core of their being, is that they were somehow responsible. It’s part of the dynamic that abusers use to control the victim and keep them from telling. I never told an adult about my abuse when I was a child. Not because I was threatened. I didn’t tell because I was afraid I would get in trouble. Because I had been made to believe I was complicit in allowing this to happen. That’s an internal message that is difficult to change.
I have been trying to slay this dragon my whole life
Hear me now. If you were a victim of sexual abuse as a child, you are not responsible. You were not complicit. You are not guilty. You were a child. I know it’s easy to hear that and hard to believe it. I know.
I have been trying to slay this dragon my whole life.
I first started trying to work through my abuse history with counseling when I was in my late 20’s. I tried it again a few more times through my 30’s until I finally decided I had dealt with it as well as I was going to and just told myself that it was part of my history and I was done with it. But I was wrong.
I have been trying to slay this dragon my whole life
I wrote awhile back about realizing this past February that there were issues I still needed to work through and started a process of healing. Part of that process involved writing letters. To myself at different stages of my life, and to others. Part of that process involved talking through things that had happened. Part of that process involved action things to do. One of the things that I was trying to learn, that I am still trying to learn, is how to allow myself to feel cherished. And so my guide through this healing process gave me homework one session. She wanted me to work on learning what it was to feel cherished by cherishing other children in a way that would have been meaningful to me when I was a young victim. She knew I liked to sew and she knew that one of the material ways that I expressed love was to make pillowcases for people. So she told me to make pillowcases for abused children. I told her I already made pillowcases for children with cancer. But she told me that she wanted me to make them for abused children. Being primarily someone who follows directions and also someone who has collected a lot of fabric over the years, I started over the next few days sorting through fabric and matching colors and patterns. Because when I commit to doing something, I typically overdo it, I cut pieces of fabric for 24 different pillowcases.
And then end of school year and graduation preparation took over my life and I set the pillowcases aside. And during that time, I made a lot of progress in working through things and healing. And so I forgot about the pillowcases.
Until one day this summer when I had some free time and decided to go work on something in my sewing room. And I walked out and saw the pile of fabric I had cut. And my immediate first thought was I should really finish those pillowcases. And my immediate second thought was I don’t want to. I don’t need to do that anymore. I’ve worked through these issues. I don’t need to do this anymore. But because I’m stubborn and because I knew deep down I was lying to myself, I got to work. Over the next two weeks I worked on those pillowcases. As I trimmed the fabric and pinned together the pieces, and ran the sewing machine and serger, I healed. This healing wasn’t easy. There was a lot of cussing. And a lot of tears. And lots and lots of prayers. For the children who would receive the pillowcases. For myself. And for the person who had victimized me.
Once all the pillowcases had been pieced and sewn together and washed, I ironed them before folding them for delivery. And as I was ironing, I noticed that the seams on some of the pillowcases didn’t quite match up. That despite how careful my pinning had been, somewhere in the sewing process, the fabric had slipped and so the pillowcases weren’t as perfect as I would have liked. Then I realized that the kids who received the pillowcases were unlikely to notice the imperfections. And if they did notice, they were unlikely to care.
I realized the same is true for people. The same is true for me. Like the pillowcases, something slipped along the way and I didn’t end up quite as well put together as I started out. But despite those imperfections, I hope that I serve a purpose greater than the individual parts.
If you are reading this and you love someone who has been abused, love them even more. And give them grace. Know that the feelings of shame and guilt they feel are very real to them even if they make no sense to you. Know that if it’s hard for them at times to have you touch them, it’s not a reflection on you. It’s a side effect of the abuse. There are times that touch may trigger memories of trauma. Love them anyway. But give them grace and don’t take it personally.
They have been trying to slay this dragon their whole life.
If you are reading this and you have your own history of abuse and it’s not something you have ever talked to anyone about, do. Please do. You do not have to live in that prison by yourself anymore. Pick a close friend, or a pastor, or a trusted family member, or a counselor. Find someone you can confide in. Someone you can trust with your story. The feelings of guilt and shame that you feel are thriving because they grow well in the dark. They cannot survive the light. Expose them to the light so you can be released from the power they hold over you. It’s time to be free.
It is time for you to start to slay your dragon.
Maybe your seams don’t line up the way they should. Maybe parts of you are a bit more crooked than they started out being. But know that your misaligned seams and your crooked parts make you the amazing person you are. And that you are loved just as you are. Imperfections and all. You are a masterpiece. And you are stronger than you know. Slaying dragons makes you that way. I know.
I have been trying to slay this dragon my whole life.
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