Old dogs and new tricks

I have always loved learning. I still do. There's not much that makes me happier than becoming interested in something new and reading and learning all that I can about it. It's part of my innately nerd curious nature. I absolutely loved college. Law school, on the other hand, sucked the life out of me. It was mind-numbingly boring and didactic and stressful and just all around sucked butter. And so for a long time after law school, I wasn't interested in learning much of anything else. My lifelong love of reading for learning was dulled.  I still would read, but only mindless entertaining fluff.  Time passed though and my love of learning returned, as did my love for reading to learn new things, and for the past probably 10-15 years, I've really had the itch to go back to school. I looked into getting my masters of social work at one point, as I felt that I had a unique perspective on social work issues from my time working in the legal system in the area of CPS law. But because my undergraduate degree is in journalism, there were many undergraduate prerequisites I would have had to get out of the way first, and I just wasn't interested in that part of it. And I was never quite sure what I would do with the degree, so it was hard to justify the time and the expense.

And then the kids got older and busier and more expensive and more in need of my time, so I set the idea of going back to school on the back burner. Until now.

Part of the process of healing for me has been to shed, like a turtle if you will, the old shell that I've now outgrown. In working on unbecoming the things I've always thought I was but that I really wasn't, I'm finding new opportunity and new space to become something new and different. In doing so, I've been praying for clarity on God's call for my life. Part of that clarity has been the realization that the future I thought I wanted, i.e., to practice law for a few more years then retire young to travel the country in an RV, really isn't what I want at all, or what I feel God is calling me to.

It's an exciting time, but not one without fear or surprise or all sorts of "Oh, shit" and "Are you sure, God?" moments. One of those moments is realizing that God is calling me into ministry. I still don't know exactly what that means or exactly how it will shake out or just what it will look like. But I know without a doubt that the calling is there.  Each time I talk out loud about what it might look like, I get a little more clarity as to the direction I should be going. My initial reaction was to think that it meant going an entirely different direction than I've been traveling, in a totally different area and way of doing things.  As I've looked at it more and talked about it more, I realize that I don't think that's true at all. I believe that God has plans to use the gifts and the skills for advocacy, that have been fostered developed and polished over the past 24 years, to advocate in a new way.

Part of that calling also, I believe, is to finally follow the dream that I've had for a number of years now to go back to school. I've begun looking into master of theology degrees with emphasis in social justice. I don't know how feasible it is financially or timewise to go back to school at a season of my life when I am working full-time and sending a kid off to college, followed very soon by another. What I know is this. If God is calling me to this, he will provide a way for it to happen. My prayer is that he opens the doors he wants me to walk through and closes the doors he wants me to avoid. That he will give the same clarity that he has given to me to my husband and my kids and my coworkers as this path will take a great deal of patience and understanding. Most of all, my prayer is that he will use me to further his kingdom. In the way that he has planned and ordained, rather than in the narrow and limited way I have always seen.

If you're wondering if I've lost my mind and gone completely crazy, the answer just may be yes. I'm definitely not who I was 5 months ago. I'm more. And I wouldn't go back for anything in the world.  So, if you're brave enough to ride this crazy journey with me, buckle up and come along. It's going to be crazy and it's going to be great. I can't wait to see what God does.