Leaving the fishes

About a year and a half ago, I felt a call to ministry. I wasn’t sure exactly what that ministry would look like, but I was pretty sure that it involved seminary. So I started looking into seminary programs. But in the process of that decision to go back to school, one of the things that I had to work through was whether I was going for the right reasons.  

The timing could not have been worse. We have a kid in college which is costing a significant amount of money, with another one not too far behind. After many years of being self-employed with a somewhat flexible schedule, I was working a full time job with very limited flexibility. I mean, really the timing for this kind of new commitment could not have been worse.

But then I found this school that just felt right to me, with a program that seemed to be designed just for me, and they not only thought I would fit in well there and let me in, but they made me a financial aid offer I would have been crazy to refuse. So I thought okay, clearly this is happening in part right now so that I realize that this is God’s plan rather than mine, because clearly the timing is not one I would have chosen, which must mean that it is God’s.

I mean seriously, it would have been far more convenient and made much more sense for God to have done this before I took the job I had at the DA’s office, representing CPS, because it would have been much more natural timing and less disruptive of my life, but obviously it was God’s timing now and not then. And that’s where I left that thought really. I began seminary, and I loved it, and I realized quickly that if I truly followed the call to full time ministry that there would come a time when I wouldn’t be able to continue to work the job I had on a full time basis and go to school the way that I wanted and needed to. I verbalized that to my boss, to my people at work, to Mike. And then I kind of left that thought too, because although I knew without doubt that this part of my career and life was wrapping up, I didn’t like I was being called to make a change too quickly.

And then about a month into seminary, I was listening to my pastor’s sermon. She talked about Peter and his first encounter with Jesus. She told of the massive catch that they had brought in, and how this was likely the culmination of a lifetime of work, the best work day of his life, the pinnacle of his career if you will, and he walked away from it to follow Jesus. 

I had heard that story countless times in my life. But until that morning I never identified it with myself and my circumstances. I realized that the timing of seminary right then wasn’t just so that I would realize this was God’s plan rather than my own. I mean I would have struggled more with that question if this had come up before I took the job I had. For probably 5-10 years before taking that position, I would have a meltdown a minimum of twice a year, telling Mike I just couldn’t do this work anymore. It was too hard, too lonely, too stressful, too much. If I had been given the calling and the opportunity then to go to seminary and change careers, I would have jumped on that opportunity without hesitation, if for no other reason than to go a different direction. And I would have questioned whether it was God’s plan or mine because I was so desperate to try something new.

And then I took the job with the Grayson County DA’s office as the CPS attorney. And it has given me so much. It has given me the opportunity to finish the job I started 25 years ago but ended up leaving sooner than I wanted for personal reasons. It gave me closure that I desperately needed but didn’t think I would ever have. It gave me confidence in my abilities and my worth as an attorney, which I had lost somewhere along the way.

I really like my job. And honestly, I am really good at it. People in the DA’s office, in my CPS office, and in the courts, like me. And I love them. I feel I am making a very positive difference in the way in which the child welfare system works in Grayson County. I am filling a very definite need, and I am doing it very well.

And yet, despite all that, I realized when I heard that sermon about Peter that I was ready to walk away from all of it. Like with Peter, you could say that this was the culmination of what I had worked for my entire career. To be successful, to be loved, and to be valued and of value. It doesn’t get much better than this. And I was ready to drop my nets, leave all my fishes, and follow Jesus.

I didn’t know how it was going to work or when it was going to work, but I did not doubt that it would work. And I realized that God’s timing for this call to ministry wasn’t just so that I would know for sure that this was from God rather than from me, but it was so that God would know whether I was truly all in, truly willing to walk away from everything to follow God’s call. And I realized that in the process of placing that call on me at the time that God did, God had first chosen to change me and grow me and develop me and give me the confidence I would need to walk this next journey. And at the same time, God allowed me to finish things I started so many years ago. 

God had allowed me to overcome bad decisions, shame, and pain, to grow into just the person that I needed to be to follow the call that had been placed inside me. 

And as I followed that call through seminary, my mind expanded and my eyes opened more widely and my heart, as did with the Grinch, grew about three sizes. 

As my heart opened wider to others, as I began to see more clearly the value in others, I also began to see the value in myself, not for what I could do for others, but in who God made me to be.

As I learned my value, I grew more strong. 

As I grew more strong, I grew more gentle. 

As I grew more gentle, I began seeing the worth in people who do not always see it in themselves because society or the church or their inner demons or past trauma have told them it’s not there. 

And that changed everything about how I practiced law, how I did my job. How I looked at people. How I treated people. 

And I thought, well God is just showing me how to see people through the eyes of a pastor rather than through the eyes of a lawyer.  

And in the midst of this, in the midst of figuring out where this ministry call might lead me, I got a text from an old friend. Someone I have known for many years. First as a fellow church member and then professionally. She told me that a child protection court was being created in my area and I needed to apply for the position of associate judge. My response to her was immediate. I told her I appreciated her thinking of me, but I didn’t think that was God’s plan for me. She told me that she didn’t want to interefere with God’s plan for my life, but she really thought I was perfect for this position. Because I trust this friend’s discernment, I told her that I would keep an open mind, and I would think about it, and I would pray about it, but I didn’t think I would change my mind. And over the next few weeks, I did think and pray about it. And I started to talk to other people about it. People I trusted to tell me the truth. And as I began to think that maybe this was the direction that God was leading me to, I got some very clear and unexpected trail markers that confirmed that.

And so I made the decision to apply, and have recently been appointed to the position.

It turns out that during this time that I thought God was teaching me to see people through the eyes of a pastor rather than through the eyes of a lawyer, what was actually happening was that God was teaching me to see them instead through the eyes of God rather than humans. And that is a perspective that I think I will need very much in this new position. Because the truth is, the people that come before me, not just the children, but the parents with all they have done, need to have someone see them as God does. As people who may be broken and damaged, but who are worthy. And who have the potential to be so much more than life has made them. And they need someone to help them see that in themselves. 

So it is with great sadness that I turned in my resignation today for the position that has given so much to me these past three years. But it is with great excitement and honor that I prepare to step into this new one.

God is good. All the time, God is Good.