What makes a family

I wrote earlier in the week about a mediation that I had been a part of, with the tenderness of the biological father and the foster parents meeting and opening the lines of communication about the child that they all love, and their wish for the best for her future.

Today, she had the last visit with her daddy in our offices. The last visit that he is entitled to, unless the foster parents choose to allow him to have visits with the little girl after they adopt her.

He tried his best to tell her that he was okay with her being adopted and that she didn’t have to worry about disappointing him because she could never disappoint him, but he didn’t quite know how to say the words he needed to say. How do you tell your child that it’s okay for her to pick another family?

At the end of the visit, the foster parents came into the room and joined the father and the little girl that they all love and share.

The father had brought photos of the little girl from when she was a baby and a toddler, and he showed them to the foster parents. The foster parents showed dad video of a double the little girl made in last night’s softball game, and photos of different events over the past year including meet the teacher, and the first day of school.

They came to a photo from her birthday party this past year, and it was then that the little girl chimed in. “I wish my daddy could come” said the little girl with the charming speech impediment that caused her to pronounce octopus as optocus instead.

At the end of the visit, one of the foster parents asked her if she had any questions about what was going on and what happened next.

And then she said words to the little girl that brought tears to my eyes and to the rest of those in the room.

“We met your dad.”

“We like your dad.”

“This isn’t the last time you are going to see him.”

And I watched as the father gave the little girl a hug and told her he loved her, and as the foster parents walked out of the room with the little girl, while the father picked up the last of the food and other visit things, and I wondered at the thoughts that must be going through his mind as he watched them walk out the door.

In the pictures that the foster parents were showing dad, they talked about trips that they had taken together. The CASA supervisor made the comment that she really liked that they do these things together. “They are a family,” I responded. And she said, “Yes, you’re right, that’s it. They are not just a home but they are a family.”

And they are. It’s clear by watching their interactions with each other and with the little girl.

And today they opened the circle of their family just a little wider to welcome a new member in the shape of that little girl’s father, a man covered in tattoos, and not a lot of social skills, and his own sets of issues with which to deal.

And so this family is going to look a little different than most.

The truth is, it already does  look a little different than a lot of the families you might see during the day.

There are two moms and no dad.

They are of two different ethnicities.

Their kids came to them in an untraditional way.

But they are a family all the same.

Because what makes a family isn’t tradition.

What makes a family isn’t blood

What makes a family is love.

What makes a family is commitment.

What makes a family is recognizing that sometimes in order to allow people to live into who they are meant to fully be, you have to sacrifice things that might have seemed important to you. You have to step out into areas that might make you feel uncomfortable. You have to trust that God will guide you and protect you and She will honor those sacrifices and steps of faith to bring more to your life than you could ever imagine. You have to open the circle of your family a bit wider to allow people in that you might not have welcomed on your own. Because it’s what the other people in your family need.

I watch goodbye visits whenever I can, despite the fact that they are painful, because I never want to forget when I am seeking to terminate a parent’s rights what that actually means to them and to their children. I never want to lose the gravity of the actions that I take. But today, I walked out of that visit room with a little more hope than I normally have. Because today I saw a new family be created. 

Not because of the law. 

But because of love.