Deconstruction

I’ve heard the term faith deconstruction a lot in my readings over the past few months. I hadn’t realized that’s what I’ve actually been doing over the last few years. I knew I was questioning things I had always believed. I knew I was coming to new conclusions about issues of faith and theology and about the character of God. I knew I was at times burning down spiritual and theological ideas I’ve held my entire life. I knew it was often uncomfortable, frightening, and at times even painful. 

I knew all that.

I just didn’t know what it was called.

So when I first heard the term faith deconstruction defined, I thought, “Huh, so that’s what has been going on.” And it made sense.  Because in many ways I have been deconstructing my faith, and reconstructing it in a way that makes sense to me.

As I read a twitter post the other day, talking about the concept, I realized that what I’ve actually been doing, rather than deconstructing, is less tearing things down and more cleaning things out. Both with my faith over the past few years, and my life over this past year.

Like a huge emotional and spiritual purge.

I’ve realized I’m going about this process much like I go about the process of cleaning out my husband’s garage. My husband has lots of stuff in his garage. Lots of tools. Lots of supplies for all sorts of building, home repair, car maintenance, and every other kind of thing. He’s a handy guy so he owns lots of handy tools. What he doesn’t have an overabundance of is a sense of organization or tendency to put things back where they belong when he is done with them. Consequently, his garage is often a mess. A place he doesn’t use nearly as often as he would like to because he gets frustrated both by the mess and by the inability to easily find the things he needs when he needs them.  So twice now in the 15 years we have lived in this house, I have taken an entire day and cleaned the garage for him. He tries to do this himself from time to time, but he tends to get distracted by things, or caught up in the small areas of organizing without taking it from an overall organization on a big scale, which is what is needed when the garage is in the condition that it gets in.

So here’s how I clean the garage when I have a full day to do so. 

I take everything out of the garage.  Literally everything that is not attached to the walls or the floor or is too heavy for me to lift.

As I take things out of the garage, I pile them in like piles: big tools, small tools, drywall supplies, painting supplies, car maintenance supplies, etc…

I label boxes with appropriate labels and, before I put the big piles into organized and labeled boxes, I clean them off and I look at them to determine whether or not they are things that still have use at our home. If there are too many of the same thing, I get rid of them. Because really who needs 4 identical things that all do the same thing? If there are things that we no longer have a use for, or are broken, or outdated, or just don’t fit in with everything else that we have, I get rid of it too. If it doesn’t serve a purpose, it’s out. Lots of old curtain rods, scrap pieces of wood, and appliances get tossed in this process.

After I go through everything, and get it purged, sorted, and organized into labeled boxes, I clean the garage itself. I clean all the surfaces, removing dirt and dust and grime that has built up. I sweep the floors clear of debris and dirt and grease and leaves. Because I surely don’t want to put all these now organized items back into a dirty room.

And at the end of the day, everything has a place, and is in its place. Things that belong together are placed together. Things that aren’t needed anymore are discarded. There is room to walk around without stepping over things that are out of place and causing a tripping hazard. It’s a place that gives peace instead of a place that causes stress.

So why am I so wordy, and what does this lengthy description of how I clean out our garage have to do with deconstruction anyway?

Actually, it has everything to do with it.

Because it’s been what I’ve been doing with my faith, and with my life.

I have been clearing literally everything out of my soul, and out of my heart, and out of my mind that is not attached to the walls or the floor or is too heavy for me to lift. For those things that have been too heavy to lift by myself, I’ve enlisted the help of a trusted friend.

And as I have taken these things out of my soul, and out of my heart, and out of my mind, I have piled them in like piles: theological beliefs based on my faith tradition and upbringing, theological beliefs I have developed on my own over the past few years, big thoughts and beliefs, small thoughts and beliefs, emotional trauma, memories of abuse and exploitation, shame, labels, limitations, means of self-protection and preservation, etc…

I have labeled boxes with appropriate labels and, before I put the big piles into organized and labeled boxes, I clean them off and I look at them to determine whether or not they are things that still have use in my life. If there are too many thoughts or beliefs that look the same but are just cumulative, I get rid of them. Because really who needs 4 identical things that all do the same thing? If there are thoughts, beliefs,  labels, limitations, or protections that I no longer have a use for, are broken, outdated, or just don’t fit in with everything else that I am beginning to learn about who I am becoming, or about what I am beginning to understand about the character of God, I get rid of those too. If it doesn’t serve a purpose in making me stronger, in making me more fully who God has created me to be, it’s out. Lots of old trauma memories, shame, and religious, societal, and self-imposed limitations have gotten tossed in the process. So have a whole lot of barbed wire and bricks meant to build up walls to protect me from harm but which also resulted in keeping people from truly knowing me and keeping me from truly loving others and making myself vulnerable to be loved by them.

As I have been going through everything, and getting it purged, sorted, and organized into labeled boxes, I have spent time cleaning my soul, my mind, and my heart themselves. I have scrubbed all the surfaces, removing the dirt and dust and grime that has built up. I have swept the floors clear of shame, and blame, unrealistic expectations, unfair limitations, and all the discarded barbed wire and bricks. Because I surely don’t want to put all these now organized items back into a dirty and cluttered soul, or mind, or heart.

And at the end of this process, however long it may take, everything will have a place, and be in its place. Thoughts and beliefs that belong together will be placed together. Thoughts and beliefs and protections that aren’t needed anymore will be abandoned and discarded. There will be room to walk around without stepping over things that are out of place and might cause a tripping hazard. It will be a place that will give peace instead of a place that causes stress.

It will be truly me. As I truly am. As God created me to be. Before someone else came in and made a mess of things and left without cleaning up, or taking their trash with them, or before putting things back where they belonged.

It’s just going to take a little time, a bit of purging and cleaning, some self-reflection, and a whole lot of prayer, to get there.