This is 20 years

Today is the 20 year anniversary of when I married this handsome guy. Truth be told, most if not all of the people who were at our wedding that day probably didn’t expect to see us last this long. Truthfully, the odds were against us that we would. We were both recently divorced. We were creating a stepfamily which is a stress for any marriage. We hadn’t really known each other all that long, and jumped into a serious relationship pretty quickly after we did meet. Common sense said that this marriage wasn’t going to last. It hasn’t always been a smooth marriage. We have had some really hard times and been through some things that could have broken us.  Probably should have broken us. But God’s plans were bigger than our failings and our weaknesses.

The last 20 years, while not always easy, and not always fun, have been a blessing. We have raised some amazing children. We have done some good in this world. We have stuck together and supported each other even when we doubted.

We took a cruise this past week and on the cruise, we started talking to three young couples in the hot tub one evening. When I mentioned that we were on a cruise to celebrate our 20 year anniversary, one of the young girls said that she and her husband were newlyweds and asked me what advice that I had. What came out of my mouth wasn’t some magical and golden bit of wisdom. It wasn’t something like put the needs of your spouse first, above yourself and above your children. It wasn’t never go to bed angry. It wasn’t laugh more than you argue. Those are all good pieces of advice, but none of them what I actually said. What I actually said was, “you’re not always going to like each other.” Probably not the most inspirational piece of advice ever, but the truth.

Marriage is hard.  Living with someone 24/7 for years on end is hard. There are days you aren’t going to like each other. And sometimes those days can last for weeks. That’s just the reality of marriage, if we are being honest about things. When two people become one family, they still maintain those difficult parts of their individual personalities that make merging pretty hard sometimes.

What I’ve learned over the past 20 years is that much of marriage is learning to adjust to a new normal. A new normal of being married instead of single.  A new normal of parenting children part time who have another parent most of the time. A new normal of having children full-time instead of being able to do what you want when you want. A new normal of navigating school, childhood illness, aging parents, career changes, home remodeling, moves, children growing up and leaving home, all the things that take place over 20 years time.

Staying married is a choice. A choice each day to say I choose you again today.  Just like I did 20 years ago. Not with the romantic ideals that I had back then of what life was going to be like. But with the well-worn wisdom that even when it’s hard, it’s worth it. That God created each of us with our gifts and our failings. With our shiny parts and those not so shiny. And he created this marriage the same.

Thanks for going with my ideas and my callings, even when they seem crazy or you don’t understand them. And thanks for doing life with me these past 20 years. Here’s to at least 50 more.