Leaning in

I’m reading a book right now that I am loving but that is at the same time making me really mad. Not because of what the author is saying but because of some of the memories and feelings that she is evoking and what her words are making me feel. 

I’m processing my feelings with two different dear friends at the same time, both coming from very different perspectives. One who is guiding me through the process, and one who is struggling through the process with me. 

Both of them at some point used the same phrase. The first suggested, when I said that I was loving the book but it was making me so mad about some things, that I might lean into that a bit. When I told my second friend that, she commented that her observation of the author of the book was that she, through her writing and her experiences, takes you to the anger and gets you to the other side. That she has leaned into it and come out better.

And so I thought, what does it actually mean to lean into something? Is it, as my second friend suggested, going to the anger and coming out the other side better? I googled the expression. Wiktionary described to lean into something as “the act of accepting something negative but unchangeable; to find a way to benefit from, or alleviate the harm of, risk, uncertainty and difficult situations.” Urban Dictionary described lean into as “the act of embracing something, or a situation, by using it to empower yourself. To ‘lean into’ something is to own it, to cast off disparagement. The phrase may have risen itself from the physical act of bracing yourself against an impacting force, in the same way a person may tighten their stand against an incoming tidal wave.”

All of those words to basically say that leaning into something is learning to deal with the things that make you mad, or sad, or helpless, or cause you guilt, or shame, until you can accept that they are what they are, and find a way to use those things to benefit you and make you stronger while taking away their power to hurt you. To, as my friend said, go to the anger, and come out the other side better. 

My first instinct is to think that you need to use the practice of leaning into things that have happened to you that you had no control over. But really, I think you need to use that practice with all the hard things in your life. Including the things from your past that haunt you because of the role and the responsibility that you played. That’s a bit harder in ways. At least it has been for me. Part of working through mistakes that you’ve made and harm that you have done, accepting them, and working through them to the point that the shame you feel about them releases its hold on you, involves forgiving yourself. For me, forgiving others is always easier than forgiving myself. But I think that’s part of the process of leaning into a thing hard enough to break its power over you. The second part I think is to be open and real about those things, as hard and as embarrassing and as shameful as that may be. In my experience, people are surprisingly willing to grant grace to people who are honest and sincere about their failings and their mistakes.

Leaning in to something isn’t an easy thing. Like the image that the expression came from, that of a person standing against an incoming tidal wave, it’s exhausting and painful to lean into thoughts and memories and feelings that batter against you one after the other. But as we stand firm against the waves, our muscles strengthen. Our confidence grows. We grow better even as we grow weak and wounded. 

And in those moments, when we feel we don’t have the strength to stand any longer, we lean into the strength of others. Our families. Our trusted friends. Our God. Who hold us up when we can’t hold ourselves any longer. Who whisper words of encouragement in our ears. Who let us know we are not alone, even in the midst of the wind and the waves. And as we come out on the other side, stronger, braver, and wiser, we learn to hold up others as they lean into their own tidal waves.

Don’t be afraid to lean into your own struggles. And as you do so, don’t be afraid to lean on others to give you the strength and perseverance to do so. God created us for connection. God didn’t intend for us to walk through this life by ourselves. It’s not always easy to ask for those life preservers when we need them, but we should never fear asking. And we should never fear offering, when we see others in their own struggles in the deep.