Thursday, November 8, 2018

It's okay to not be okay

I went with a super fun group of church friends last night to hear Jen Hatmaker. If you don’t know who she is, you’re missing out. She’s funny, and she loves Jesus, and she loves people, and she’s real. Her books make me both laugh and think, sometimes within the span of one page, and she has some of the most interesting and thought provoking people on her For the Love podcast each week.  So if you’re not familiar with her, run, don’t walk, to go check her out.
One of the things that she talked about last night was the concept of pain. I’m sure I’m about to totally butcher what she was trying to say, but my takeaway of what she said is that so many Christians think that suffering is something that we aren’t supposed to feel for very long. That we are supposed to get through it in a scripted amount of time without bogging people down in our pain. But what we are really supposed to do sometimes, the healthiest thing we can do, is to just sit in our pain. And to know that Jesus is there with us, every hour, every minute, every second. And that often our friends are right there too, surrounding us with their protection and their love, until Jesus has done the work of healing our hearts and we can step back into the fight again.
I blogged a few months ago about my own experiences of sitting on my pile of dust and ashes, waiting to heal. It’s not an easy place to be sometimes. The chairs aren’t as cushy, the floor isn’t as clean, and sometimes people aren’t very comfortable visiting you while you’re there. But it’s in those times that we often feel Jesus the most.
I think often we try to put on an appearance to the outside world that everything is okay, when really it isn’t. When people ask us how we are doing, we automatically say I’m fine, when the truth is we are falling apart.
Our Facebook posts and our Instagram photos show the good and happy snapshots of our lives, when the truth is there are at least 100 life snapshots of sadness or anger or shame for every 1 happy one that we post for the rest of the world to see.
Unless what is happening to us is something that is universally accepted as a hard time, such as the death of a loved one, we are hesitant to say that we aren’t okay. Even in those situations, we only feel comfortable being honest about our grief for a short time before we feel the pressure, either externally or internally, to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on.
Why do we fear being vulnerable to admit that things aren’t as good as we want them to be? As they appear to be? As others expect them to be?
It’s okay to not be okay.
I have learned in these past months by working through my own history of shame and grief, reading the works of experts on shame and vulnerability, listening to the wise words of those who know what it is to love God in all God’s forms, and through my own experiences with opening my mouth and my heart to share my struggles and pain with all of you, that there can be great beauty in vulnerability. That there can be great connection to others by being real about your struggles and your pains. That there can be great healing of deep wounds by exposing them to the light and to the air. And I’ve learned that Jesus is never closer to me than when I am hurting, and when I am scared, and when I feel most alone.
It’s okay to not be okay.
If you are in a place today where you’re not okay, be it your physical health, your mental health, relationship problems with your spouse or your children, your job, demons from your past, struggles with substance abuse, or whatever is making you not okay, know that you are not alone.
It’s okay to not be okay.
Find someone that you trust to be real with. Someone you can take off your mask of perfection in front of. Someone to sit with you and hold your hand while you’re on your pile of dust and ashes. And find a group of someones who will put you in the middle of their circle, and surround you with their care, and their love, and their protection, until you’re strong enough to step back into the fight.
It’s okay to not be okay.
It’s not only okay to ask for help when you aren’t okay, but it’s faithful. You may be surprised by who shows up to be your rear guard or to go ahead of you. God will be there. Because that’s what is promised us in Psalm 34:18. The message version of the Bible reads this way: “If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.” God shows that promise to us every day, through God’s presence, and through the presence of others, when we are only brave enough to admit that things aren’t as shiny as we pretend them to be.
It’s okay to not be okay.

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