Sometimes you need someone else to give you the courage to be brave

I had no intention of writing or publishing the blog post that I published last week about my history of slaying dragons. 

I ended up writing it because I couldn’t go to sleep until I did so but I was afraid to actually share it. After I wrote it and read it, I knew that it had the potential to be impactful, but I also knew how vulnerable it made me. 

And so I contacted my trusted guide through this journey of healing who knows my struggles and the work I’ve done and the progress I’ve made. I told her that I had written this post and that I was afraid to hit publish but I felt like I should. She told me that sometimes I would blog for myself and sometimes I would blog for others. And then she asked if I wanted to send the blog post to her for her to look at. 

So I did. After she read it, she contacted me and she told me that if/when I was ready, I needed to publish the blog.

I had known that in my gut. But my heart was scared.

Her encouragement gave me the strength I needed to hit the publish button. To speak the truth of my trauma and my struggles. And there was great healing in that. But it’s not something I would’ve been able to do without having someone I trusted to give me the courage to be brave. 

Sometimes you need someone else to give you the courage to be brave.

The news the past few days has revolved largely around sexual abuse allegations. This post is about the question that I keep hearing asked by people, some that I know, and some that I don’t, of why would a woman wait until years after an incident to say something? Why would they have not said something when it happened?

Sometimes you need someone else to give you the courage to be brave.

One in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives. More than 40% of women and 20% of men report sexual violence other than rape during their lifetimes. In eight out of ten cases of rape and, the victim knew the person who sexually assaulted them. Rape is the most under-reported crime; 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities. 

One in 5 women and one in 16 men are sexually assaulted while in college. More than 90% of sexual assault victims on college campuses do not report the assault.

So the question becomes, why would a victim of sexual assault or rape not report the crime to the police? According to the National Institute of Justice, there are a number of reasons which include self-blame or guilt; shame, embarrassment, or desire to keep the assault a private matter; humiliation or fear of the perpetrator or other individual’s perceptions; fear of not being believed or of being accused of playing a role in the crime; lack of trust in the criminal justice system.

To which I say, duh. Talking about intimate issues such as sexual relationships can be awkward with your best friend or even your spouse. Imagine talking about those issues when the experience was a traumatizing one rather than a positive one. Imagine talking about those issues to law enforcement or professionals whom you don’t even know. Imagine defending yourself for being a victim and having people judge you because of clothes that you wore, or alcohol that you drank, or looks that you gave, or places that you went. We don’t blame victims of home burglaries for not having strong enough locks or alarm systems or guard dogs.  Why do we blame victims of sexual abuse?

Sometimes you need someone else to give you the courage to be brave.

This morning I heard a quote that was attributed to Carl Jung which is as follows: “What you most need to know about yourself is in the place you least want to look.” The quote led to a discussion about the importance of bringing the dark things within us out of the shadows and into the light where they can be healed and transformed.  It’s hard to do that with dark things that by their very nature are wrapped in guilt and embarrassment and shame.

Sometimes you need someone else to give you the courage to be brave.

It’s time that we stop questioning victims about why they waited so long to report their victimization.

It’s time that we stop blaming women for their victimization.

It’s time that we stop being offended that women are finally feeling brave enough to come forward with their own stories of trauma and abuse. 

It’s time that we encourage women and men to own their truth. To accept their trauma. To be unafraid to look at the places within themselves they don’t want to look. To be bold enough to bring the dark things out of the shadows and into the light where they can be healed and transformed.

Sometimes you need someone else to give you the courage to be brave.