I had a conversation with another legal professional this morning on my way to work about a case and a trial that I was involved in many years ago. It was a difficult case and one that broke my heart in many ways. What happened felt, at the time, like an injustice. After learning things later after the trial, I realized that it actually ended up probably being the best thing for the child. The situation was still heartbreaking but one I felt a little better about.
This conversation occurred today because this other professional felt they needed to apologize to me because, after their years of experience since, they had come to believe that they had made a wrong decision based on their inexperience at the time. And because they wanted to thank me for my kindness to them despite the fact that I disagreed. What a gift that was to me to hear their humility and vulnerability in making that admission. I was able to give that person a small gift in return in telling them that there were things I had learned afterwards that made me think the end result was probably the best thing after all. And to tell them that I had an entire list of cases from a lifetime of work that I looked back on and felt I had made wrong decisions and if I could have a do over now, I would do things very differently.
I think about those kids and parents from time to time. Especially the ones where I feel like I made wrong decisions based on inexperience, or, sometimes quite honestly, my own arrogance. I told the person that one of the mottos that I tried to live by, especially in my work life, was a quote from Maya Angelou that says "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
This conversation resonated with me on my drive to court, and really made me think about an audio book that I was listening to this morning before heading to work.
If you've never heard of Brene Brown, do yourself a favor and spend some time with her books or watch her TED Talks. They will make you look at the world and your view of it differently. In the book I was listening to this morning, she was talking about the concept that most people really are just doing the best that they can. Some people accept that as truth, and others do not. And that concept affected me. It make me think about how often I judge people based on the fact that they aren't doing everything that I would do if I were in their shoes, without having any clue of what it's like to stand in those shoes.
It affected me as I stood in court this morning talking to a mother with issues of addiction and mental illness. It helped me to be kind to her and compassionate toward her instead of shaming her for her actions and her circumstances, which would have been very easy for me to do and which quite frankly I have done with others before. But it occurred to me that she really is probably doing the best that she can right now. And while that may not be enough right now for her be able to take care of her kids safely, it's still the best she can do right now today.
And so I pray for her that she is able to receive the help that she needs to heal and strengthen herself as a person and as a parent so that she can get these precious children back. And during that process, I pray that those of us who are working with her have compassion toward her and recognition that she has been and may continue to go through things that we will never know or understand.
And I pray that as the colleague I spoke to was brave enough to be vulnerable with what she considered to be her failings, that I am equally vulnerable to be honest with mine. And that as I offered grace to her without hesitation based on my own similar experiences, that I would offer that same grace to those whose experiences I may not understand.
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." Let me never stop striving to know better. And then to do better because of it.
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